Tom, I found this very interesting and fun to read. I am not a surfer, except for body surfing, so I often wondered about how surfers work out who gets the wave. You describe it very well. I also appreciate your enjoyment of the water, colors, and personal connection with the environment. It sets up a nice dichotomy of the beauty versus the gladiator competitiveness of surfing….the 2 coexisting at once.
The only constructive input I have is you saying “I went for it” two times, kind of close together….it actually didn’t bother me, but it’s the only thing I could find. I had to read it twice to see it.
Great job in roping me in! And leaving us riveted about what happens next!
Barbara, thanks for the suggestion. Here is the fix I have incorporated, getting ready of the second "going for it". I like this better. Thanks!
"The guy to my left was looking in the other direction and not making the telltale steely eye contact saying 'get the fuck off my wave.' That was my green light, I was going right and just just hoped he would go left."
Thank you Barbara! I really appreciate the feedback. Good catch on the "go for it" double usage; I will definitely fix that. I know I will need help from a professional editor, but anything I can do to clean it up now helps.
I would definitely keep the parts about the sea and what you were feeling in the moment. Take out the part about generally describing the wave ownership in surfing. Instead, add more detail about how it feels being on acid, and how you ended up in a police car after falling backwards just a few sentences before.
On a personal note, I hope not ALL surfing is like this, as it is something I want to try but like you I dislike the competitive nature of it. I want to have an enjoyable experience that doesn't include fighting with others and/or the potential for others to ruin my enjoyment.
Great start! Still waiting on feedback from my editor on your prologue. I will post it here once I have it.
Here's where I stand on feedback of this latest draft: 1) I'd tell more about what it feels like to be high on acid. Anyone not familiar with being high might need to know. AND, since we all sort of respond differently to various stimuli, maybe talk about how you can surf and be high at the same time without harming yourself, or someone else, or not being able to function because your mind and body are not as cordinated as they might be.
The part I'd leave in is this ending piece about being in the back of a cop car. I feel like the jump from the story of being in the water to this needs more of a connection or segue. I'm open to hearing what you think. I feel we jumped too far, too soon. Could just be my perspective.
So here is the thinking on the prologue. It is mean to be a teaser, a way to draw you into the story and want to keep reading. In later chapters I certainly go into a lot of detail about the experience of being on LSD, and surfing. Perhaps I need to add a little more here as well?
The last paragraph was a mindful decision to jump ahead and maybe even create some ambiguity. What happened? Did he fall into the other surfer? How did he end up in a cop car. But it may be a jump too far.
I REALLY appreciate you (and everyone else) taking the time to read this and provide this fantastic feedback. It is super helpful.
Hey Tom, I really like this opening. I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see how the ride turned out! I love how you describe the experience with such descriptive detail. I could almost feel the bubbles running over my hands, the warm sun on my face and surge of the ocean below. Very cool! I'm nit picking here, but personally, I think the visual picture of a group of Formula One cars aggressively plunging the first turn at the start of a race (in your words) may capture the hysteria of the moment a little better than the Nascar reference. I think of Nascar as cars boringly going around the track lap after lap, hoping for a spectacular crash at some point, but the start and first turn of an F1 race can be absolutely EPIC!
I may be getting ahead of myself/you here, but I'd also love to know more details about what tripping on acid really feels like, but I get that a lot more of that may be coming in later chapters! Lastly, I was dying to know if you escaped the ride, fell into the other surfer, or had to fight off some locals for being a kook! :) Probably exactly what you were hoping I'd feel. I really couldn't find anything I that I felt needs to go. Nice job, looking forward to more!
Wow. This feedback is great. I like you suggestion of an F1 race versus NASCAR. It implies speed, precision, high performance. Perfect. I am not sure where I came up with the NASCAR reference originally, it just popped into my head, but I am going to consider changing it now thanks to your suggestion.
Really glad to hear it felt like an immersive experience. I am trying to communicate that without being too flowery with the description. My goal (as with my visual arts) is to pull people in and immerse them in the experience, feel what I felt.
In regards to what happens next you probably won't believe what happened. I didn't for 30 years until someone else confirmed it. And yes, of course, it will be coming up in subsequent chapters. This wave, the ride, and the whole experience also serve as a parable for the whole journey I will describe in the book.
Thanks for taking the time to read it and offer a great suggestion. I am going to try and repost the changes here when I incorporate them.
"The stone-faced surfers sitting shoulder to shoulder, bobbing up and down in the water, were another matter entirely; like the holy season at Mecca and a Formula One race combined."
You described the acid, water and surfing experience in such an engrossing way. I was suggesting you could add that same touch to the F1 part of it also. Something along the lines of, but in your unique style “the frantic start of a Formula One race, as the lead cars viciously dive into that first corner fighting for the lead position.”
Ahh! Yes. I am finding it is really challenging to know when to brush broad strokes or get out the detailed brush. What do I hint at and what do I describe vividly. Thanks for the clarification - it helps in my process.
Solid opening Tom. As a fellow surfer I can relate to the entire scenario. You've set the table very well and left me wondering - why did he decide to take acid in the first place? Was this a regular occurance? Has he ever surfed while on acid before or was this the first time? How is the experience of surfing on acid different that not being on acid? Anyway, the only thing I'd offer as constructive feedback is the definition of "double overhead." We both know that that means but added context here could help add tension to the moment and offer better framing for those that have never surfed. If you're 6' and the wave is 12' I'd say that. It's easier to visualize what a 12 foot wave looks like - and if you don't have a frame of reference it's a more direct than running through the double overhead measurement calculation. I've also decided to embark on a career change into writing. I was laid off from Zartico in June and after much deliberation decidied to write about the experience of being laid off (Zartico was not my first and ironically not my last). I love the idea of asking for feedback on the manuscript as a work in progress. Feels like a very "agile" way of approaching the process. Good luck.
Hi Steve! Thanks for the great feedback. It's a really good point. Sometimes as surfers we forget when we are using our own vernacular. I will change it to a more universal reference for height.
I think writing about being laid off is awesome, and something people want to hear about.
Have you seen this clip from a semi-pro surfer recently laid off? Its awesome!
Hi Steve, so I have been thinking about this. I think originally I used "double-overhead" to avoid the whole West-Coast, Hawaii definition of height. Where in Hawaii a 6' wave is about 15' in California etc so any surfer reading this may be confused. Double-overhead seemed to bypass that conundrum. But to your point, a non-surfer, has to then do that mental math/symbolism. I thought about comparing the height to that of a one-story house.. but that seems a little tortured and still requires some mental leaps.
What about a simple fix like this?
"On the bigger sets, the waves were about six feet overhead, and while not the heaviest waves I have ever surfed, certainly not trivial."
The tricky thing is that you don't know the height of your reader. What if the reader is 4'11? Or 5'11 or 6'6"? Six feet overhead can mean a different size wave for each of these readers. If the wave was 12' then you can easily cut through this. Alternatively, you could say - "I'm 6'2" (just guessing at your height) and this wave was easilly double my height." Then later in the paragraph you could refer to it as "double-over head" since you've established the baseline.
Thanks. I am going to noodle on this one. I still struggle with how surfers measure wave heights differently, the whole "Hawaii" scale. I have been in Hawaii, and what they modestly call 3'-4' is well overhead and downright scary. I would hate to say it is a 12' wave and have fellow surfers think I am being a kook and say "Hah. 12' waves in California, that never happens.."
Tom, I found this very interesting and fun to read. I am not a surfer, except for body surfing, so I often wondered about how surfers work out who gets the wave. You describe it very well. I also appreciate your enjoyment of the water, colors, and personal connection with the environment. It sets up a nice dichotomy of the beauty versus the gladiator competitiveness of surfing….the 2 coexisting at once.
The only constructive input I have is you saying “I went for it” two times, kind of close together….it actually didn’t bother me, but it’s the only thing I could find. I had to read it twice to see it.
Great job in roping me in! And leaving us riveted about what happens next!
Barbara, thanks for the suggestion. Here is the fix I have incorporated, getting ready of the second "going for it". I like this better. Thanks!
"The guy to my left was looking in the other direction and not making the telltale steely eye contact saying 'get the fuck off my wave.' That was my green light, I was going right and just just hoped he would go left."
Perfect!
Thank you Barbara! I really appreciate the feedback. Good catch on the "go for it" double usage; I will definitely fix that. I know I will need help from a professional editor, but anything I can do to clean it up now helps.
Tom, apologies for being so late to the game.
I would definitely keep the parts about the sea and what you were feeling in the moment. Take out the part about generally describing the wave ownership in surfing. Instead, add more detail about how it feels being on acid, and how you ended up in a police car after falling backwards just a few sentences before.
On a personal note, I hope not ALL surfing is like this, as it is something I want to try but like you I dislike the competitive nature of it. I want to have an enjoyable experience that doesn't include fighting with others and/or the potential for others to ruin my enjoyment.
Great start! Still waiting on feedback from my editor on your prologue. I will post it here once I have it.
I see your thinking and I feel you pulled off your intention and with your skills, can do so with more nuance and intelligence.
Here's where I stand on feedback of this latest draft: 1) I'd tell more about what it feels like to be high on acid. Anyone not familiar with being high might need to know. AND, since we all sort of respond differently to various stimuli, maybe talk about how you can surf and be high at the same time without harming yourself, or someone else, or not being able to function because your mind and body are not as cordinated as they might be.
The part I'd leave in is this ending piece about being in the back of a cop car. I feel like the jump from the story of being in the water to this needs more of a connection or segue. I'm open to hearing what you think. I feel we jumped too far, too soon. Could just be my perspective.
Thank you Lyn for the great feedback!
So here is the thinking on the prologue. It is mean to be a teaser, a way to draw you into the story and want to keep reading. In later chapters I certainly go into a lot of detail about the experience of being on LSD, and surfing. Perhaps I need to add a little more here as well?
The last paragraph was a mindful decision to jump ahead and maybe even create some ambiguity. What happened? Did he fall into the other surfer? How did he end up in a cop car. But it may be a jump too far.
I REALLY appreciate you (and everyone else) taking the time to read this and provide this fantastic feedback. It is super helpful.
Hey Tom, I really like this opening. I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see how the ride turned out! I love how you describe the experience with such descriptive detail. I could almost feel the bubbles running over my hands, the warm sun on my face and surge of the ocean below. Very cool! I'm nit picking here, but personally, I think the visual picture of a group of Formula One cars aggressively plunging the first turn at the start of a race (in your words) may capture the hysteria of the moment a little better than the Nascar reference. I think of Nascar as cars boringly going around the track lap after lap, hoping for a spectacular crash at some point, but the start and first turn of an F1 race can be absolutely EPIC!
I may be getting ahead of myself/you here, but I'd also love to know more details about what tripping on acid really feels like, but I get that a lot more of that may be coming in later chapters! Lastly, I was dying to know if you escaped the ride, fell into the other surfer, or had to fight off some locals for being a kook! :) Probably exactly what you were hoping I'd feel. I really couldn't find anything I that I felt needs to go. Nice job, looking forward to more!
Wow. This feedback is great. I like you suggestion of an F1 race versus NASCAR. It implies speed, precision, high performance. Perfect. I am not sure where I came up with the NASCAR reference originally, it just popped into my head, but I am going to consider changing it now thanks to your suggestion.
Really glad to hear it felt like an immersive experience. I am trying to communicate that without being too flowery with the description. My goal (as with my visual arts) is to pull people in and immerse them in the experience, feel what I felt.
In regards to what happens next you probably won't believe what happened. I didn't for 30 years until someone else confirmed it. And yes, of course, it will be coming up in subsequent chapters. This wave, the ride, and the whole experience also serve as a parable for the whole journey I will describe in the book.
Thanks for taking the time to read it and offer a great suggestion. I am going to try and repost the changes here when I incorporate them.
"The stone-faced surfers sitting shoulder to shoulder, bobbing up and down in the water, were another matter entirely; like the holy season at Mecca and a Formula One race combined."
You described the acid, water and surfing experience in such an engrossing way. I was suggesting you could add that same touch to the F1 part of it also. Something along the lines of, but in your unique style “the frantic start of a Formula One race, as the lead cars viciously dive into that first corner fighting for the lead position.”
Ahh! Yes. I am finding it is really challenging to know when to brush broad strokes or get out the detailed brush. What do I hint at and what do I describe vividly. Thanks for the clarification - it helps in my process.
Solid opening Tom. As a fellow surfer I can relate to the entire scenario. You've set the table very well and left me wondering - why did he decide to take acid in the first place? Was this a regular occurance? Has he ever surfed while on acid before or was this the first time? How is the experience of surfing on acid different that not being on acid? Anyway, the only thing I'd offer as constructive feedback is the definition of "double overhead." We both know that that means but added context here could help add tension to the moment and offer better framing for those that have never surfed. If you're 6' and the wave is 12' I'd say that. It's easier to visualize what a 12 foot wave looks like - and if you don't have a frame of reference it's a more direct than running through the double overhead measurement calculation. I've also decided to embark on a career change into writing. I was laid off from Zartico in June and after much deliberation decidied to write about the experience of being laid off (Zartico was not my first and ironically not my last). I love the idea of asking for feedback on the manuscript as a work in progress. Feels like a very "agile" way of approaching the process. Good luck.
Hi Steve! Thanks for the great feedback. It's a really good point. Sometimes as surfers we forget when we are using our own vernacular. I will change it to a more universal reference for height.
I think writing about being laid off is awesome, and something people want to hear about.
Have you seen this clip from a semi-pro surfer recently laid off? Its awesome!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a-gBavgdMY
Hi Steve, so I have been thinking about this. I think originally I used "double-overhead" to avoid the whole West-Coast, Hawaii definition of height. Where in Hawaii a 6' wave is about 15' in California etc so any surfer reading this may be confused. Double-overhead seemed to bypass that conundrum. But to your point, a non-surfer, has to then do that mental math/symbolism. I thought about comparing the height to that of a one-story house.. but that seems a little tortured and still requires some mental leaps.
What about a simple fix like this?
"On the bigger sets, the waves were about six feet overhead, and while not the heaviest waves I have ever surfed, certainly not trivial."
The tricky thing is that you don't know the height of your reader. What if the reader is 4'11? Or 5'11 or 6'6"? Six feet overhead can mean a different size wave for each of these readers. If the wave was 12' then you can easily cut through this. Alternatively, you could say - "I'm 6'2" (just guessing at your height) and this wave was easilly double my height." Then later in the paragraph you could refer to it as "double-over head" since you've established the baseline.
Thanks. I am going to noodle on this one. I still struggle with how surfers measure wave heights differently, the whole "Hawaii" scale. I have been in Hawaii, and what they modestly call 3'-4' is well overhead and downright scary. I would hate to say it is a 12' wave and have fellow surfers think I am being a kook and say "Hah. 12' waves in California, that never happens.."